Charles Sumner - Three 6 Mafia - Day 1

Freshman year, Pike got the rap group Three 6 Mafia. This was a huge name band for a fraternity party. Michael came in town from Murray State, so we decided to start drinking pretty early in the nite. When we got to the Pike house the line was almost to the street, and I started to have second thoughts, the reason: I thought I needed to puke. I thought to myself, come on Mike we can get through this. So I got inside the house and found a beer and I felt so much better. As the nite went on the house got more and more crowded. We headed towards the stage when the band was about to play. We were packed in so tightly we could hardly move. A problem arose, I had to relieve myself. I went and asked the security guard, if I could go towards the fence to pee, he said no it was blocked off for a reason. So being drunk, I just relieved myself next to him, other people were doing it also. After I got done with that, I managed to find my group. We decided to get beer, and for some reason I volunteered to try and find some. I made my way slowly to the second floor. As I ascended the stairs, the largest man that I have ever seen in my life told me that I could not go any farther. I simply said "Thank you, have a good day." I did not want to take any chances with this man thats how large he was. I once again found the group and as soon as I did, Three 6 started on of the best musical performances I have seen in my young life. After a couple of songs, beer was a necessity, we convinced the girls to go get us more beer. They were able to get beer because they were girls so they could convince the large security guards to let them upstairs. Three 6 continued playing and we had a continous flow of beer, it was one of the greatest nights a college student could of had. -Mike

The Assassination Attempt

Freshman year Nick and I were roommates, and Nick is allergic to chicken. So I was forced, for the most part, to keep chicken out of the room. One day Nick and Joe were playing X-box, and I was talking to Andrew. When I got done talking with Andrew, he said, "Oh by the way there's a chicken finger next to you Nick." We looked on the ground and there was a chicken finger right next to Nick. Of all people it was next to Nick. The thing is no one had brought any chicken in the room, so we have no idea how it got there. If it wasn't for Andrew keeping his eyes open, Nick could be dead today. -Mike

John West aka John Boy

We have gone to school with John Boy since freshman year of high school. Anyone who knows John, knows he is quite the character. Nick and I had a history class with John our first semester. John came to class a total of three times. The final time was for the final exam. He asked me what we studied, I told him that it was all of American history up until the Civil War. He said, "Got it." He was suprisingly confident for someone who did not study. He ended up failing the exam and all his classes, so for the spring semester he was on academic probation. Spring semester he decided he was not gonna go to class. He had a room by himself and he would go to bed at 8AM and wake up at 8PM. When he got up for the day he came and visited us upstairs, and then he would go out. When he got back in for the nite he came and visited us again, at about 2AM. After talking to him for awhile, we were quite tired. However John did not want to leave. There was only one way to get rid of John. John was hungry and had run out of money so he would ask us for change. I would grab a handful of change and simply throw it out in the hall, John would go collect the change and Nick and I would shut the door. After getting the change, John would get dinner and go to the tv room and watch Cops at 3AM. When he was still hungry he figured out how to get a wire coat hanger and bend it into the perfect shape so he could steal food from the vending machines. John did not spend that much time in his room though because he had mold growing on his ceiling and housing would not clean it off. When John was in his room he would play this air raid siren and turn the volume all the way up, and then leave. You could hear the siren all the way upstairs. His neighbors hated it. -Mike

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: The Leaner

Sophomore year I was introduced to a new university, a new way of life, and Chicken on a Stick. I remeber one night when under the influence of alcohol we ventured into Chicken on a Stick in search for "munchies." Low and behold, "the Leaner" was standing in the corner, where he always stands. Now anyone who knows Chicken on a Stick knows who "the Leaner" is. If you don't, here's a little background information. "The Leaner" is an old, old man who stands in the corner of such fine establishments as Chicken on a Stick and Wal-Mart and his sole purpose for this is so that he can stare at the hot girls walking in and out of these places. What a life. I was informed of "the Leaner" when I first arrived here at Ole Miss.
Being the kind gentleman I was, I thought to myself (in a drunk kinda manner) that it would be a good idea to meet him. So to get some back up, I called Mike who was in Memphis for something. I told Mike of my plan to go meet him and he came up with the bright idea to put the conversation on speakerphone. Needing little to no encouragement, I did so. I walked up to "the Leaner" and began a conversation with him.
Me: "Hey"
the Leaner: "Hey"
Me: "What's your name? I see you in here a lot"
the Leaner: "Yeah, my name's Joel"

SUCCESS!!!

Mike and I successfully found out the name of "the Leaner..." the man, the myth, the legend

- Michael

Top 5 Deaton Residents Continued

3. O'Barcus- He lived across the hall from Chris and Marc. Barcus would constantly come in their room and take their water, even if they only had one left, and he would also eat their food. Barcus took a special liking to Brandee. She tried to avoid him but when she came over Barcus happened to walk into the room. One day Barcus knocked on my door and was only in a towel, he said he had locked himself out of the room and asked if I would get his spare key. I went downstairs and the foreign exchange student for the room key, he asked me my name and I told him it was Barcus. He gave me a funny face and asked me my SSN, I told him I didn't know it, the guy gave me the key anyway and Barcus got back into his room.

There's a tie between for Number 1. Its between Stewart and Andrew. Both of them were roomates and some of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, however they could not get along and Andrew had to move down the hall. Stewart always played us in playstation and would come over and drink with us, one night he came and took shots in Chris' room while wearing only a sport jacket and boxers. We hung out with Andrew more towards the end of the year, the most famous nite was him was our PBR nite. We got a case of PBR, and put in Casino. We watched that movie for 3 hours and drank beer. When we were finished with a can we threw it out the window, we ended up going to bed at 5 that morning. At about 5:05 UPD saw all the empty PBR cans outside of Chris and Marc's window and made them clean it up. There you go our favorite Deaton residents of all time. -Mike

Top 5 Deaton Residents

5. Eric and Jake- Both were in the Army ROTC and both were really nice guys. Once we discovered that throwing bags out of the window was the coolest thing in the world they joined in and we would have a great time throwing countless bags of water out of the window.

4. John West aka John Boy- John would be higher on the list but we did not see him until later in the year. I can not fully explain John in a couple of sentences so he will have his own post soon.

The top 3 are coming soon -Mike

Fellow Deaton Residents

Freshman while in Deaton we shared the 4th floor with some interesting people, there was the baseball team, the two football players, the Asians who were there for about a month, then Chris Kelly and his roommate, and several other people. Today I'm going to highlight the moments that I remember most about these people:

Alex the RA- Alex was the best RA ever, at the beginning of the year we were all paranoid about drinking and getting caught in the dorms, however as the year went on we realized Alex did not care what the hell we did. By the end of the year we were mixing drinks and talking to Alex at the same time, and when Nick threw the football and broke the glass on the fire extingusher, Alex did not make us do anything but clean it up. I think everyone has a special bond with their freshman year RA.

Taylor Fowler- Taylor was a baseball player, a submarine pitcher. Taylor enjoyed his alcohol. One night Taylor comes stumbling up the stairs and he headed to his door. I was going to brush my teeth and I asked him if he needed help opening his door, he said no. So I went and brushed my teeth and got ready to go to bed. When I left the bathroom, Taylor was still trying to unlock his door. I went over and unlocked his door for him.

Brae- Brae was also a baseball player, and Brae was very open about his body. Whenever he got out of the shower he just walked butt naked down the hall. I think I was one of the few people who never saw his "little Brae" however I saw his ass countless times.

Drew- Drew, another baseball player, liked to talk. He told us stories about him experimenting with all kinds of drugs and alcohol. One nite Drew got back from the bar and got into an argument with another guy, this guy punched Drew in the face and he had a black eye for the next several days.

The Asians- These two poor foreign exchange students lived next door to me and Nick. They always just stayed in their rooms except to go to class. The baseball players would come in late at nite and bang on their door and scream obsentities at them. One nite Taylor grabbed a dildo (don't ask) and started banging it against their door screaming, after he got done he threw the dildo down the hall almost taking off someones head in the process. The next week the Asians requested a room change and moved to Kincannon.

Chris Kelley and his roomate- When the Asians moved out that left an empty room, and Chris Kelley moved in. He stayed away from everyone and everyone stayed away from him for the most part, except for Stewart. Stewart would get drunk and go knock on his door and talk to him, he would ask him if he saw the WNBA All Star game and would often times tell him to come over to our room to hang out, that pissed Nick off.

Mark Holliman- Mark is the nicest guy in the world and probably the best pitcher in the SEC. I went to his room one night to help his girlfriend with some Algebra homework. While in his room, he opened his desk drawer, it was filled with empty dip can, he could not fit anymore if he wanted to. I have never before seen so many empty dip cans.

Phillip- Phillip was a Phi Delt who would go to the bar during happy hour and stay until they closed. One night we gave him a ride home from the bar and then helped him sneak his girlfriend back into the dorms. It took awhile but they finally made it back to the fourth floor. They were so drunk that they fell to the ground and started crawling on the ground to get to their door.

Callum- Callum was a golfer from Scotland. There was one week where he was drunk everytime I saw him, he drank for 7 days straight. Its a whole lot harder than one think.

Thats enought for now, later I'm going to post the top 5 fellow Deaton residents, til then -Mike

It's Like Taking Beer From a Trash Can

Freshman year my favorite bar was Forrester's. Some of our friends who went to Arkansas, who go to Ole Miss now, were in town, Jill and Alexis. We wanted to show them a good time so we decided to go to Forrester's. Before we could go out we had to find a designated driver for the nite, Joe volunteered. We did not believe him that he would be the dd. After much debate we decided that we could trust Joe as our dd. We went to Forrester's and I bought a beer, and then another. While I was drinking one of my several beers that I purchased that I nite, I was engaged in a very intelligent conversion, then suddenly one of the bouncers grabbed my beer and threw it in the trash can. I guess they did this because I had a huge X on my hand. I was stunned. So I walked over to the trash can that the beer was thrown in, and there sat my beer, on top of all the garbage. The beer bottle was sitting perfectly on top of the trash with just the bottom of the bottle touching some other trash. I reached into the trash can and grabbed my beer and continued to drink, everyone was amazed that I did this. After being at the bar for awhile, we decided to head to Huddle House. At Huddle House, I ordered the chicken fingers. I must say it was the hardest thing I have ever done before in my life as the lady that waited on us did not understand my order and kept asking if I wanted a salad. Once I got my food, I realized that the food was worth all the trouble, and that drunk food is awesome.- Mike

The Hair Dye

While living in the dorms, one thing is always unevitable, boredom sooner or later it will hit. Well we were all in one of those dry spells where there was no football and we had no tests to study for (everyone except Marc always just studied the nite before, thats the American way). When your bored there is one easy solution, Wal-Mart. We piled in Chris' car and headed off. We went up and down almost every aisle, when a light bulb went off in my head, lets dye our hair. Nobody really wanted to join me, but after some talking I convinced Joe we needed to do this. So we bought a thing of blonde hair dye, it was like $7, not the cheapest not the most expensive. We went back to Deaton and headed to the lounge to dye my hair. Chris volunteered to put it in for me. Chris proceded to put it in my hair, however he did not read the instructions and put the wrong part of the dye in first. After some debate, we headed back to Wal-Mart and bought more hair dye, this time we got the $2 box. This time Chris read the instructions and correctly put the dye into my hair, Joe then went and got his hair dyed. The results were obvious, both mine and Joe's hair looked red. The next day I decided I did not like my dyed hair, so I went to Wal-Mart and bought the strongest shampoo known to man, Prell. Let me tell you Prell will rip every piece of hair out of your head if you let it, its like shampooing with sandpaper. After a week of shampooing with Prell, my hair was still dyed, even Prell could not take out the $2 dye. Eventually I accepted my new hair color and finally got a short hair cut to get my hair back to normal. -Mike

Theta Formal

Its freshman year again, but gradually winding down to the end. Its early April, and I was set up with a blind date to go on Theta formal. However, at the time I had really started to have a crush on my girlfriend now, Kellie, who is not a Theta. However, since I had already agreed to go, I got on the bus and headed up to Memphis and Mud Island for the dance. The dance was cool; my date was 21 and decided to give me her wristband, so I got to be real good friends with the bartender, and all of us proceeded to get hammered. I lost my date for the evening at the very beginning of the night, so it was basically me and 3 other couples (including Joe and Tesi, my friend that goes to Rhodes). Well, everyone but me managed to get drunk pretty early, but I didn't catch a good buzz until the very end of the night. Actually, I hasn't drunk at all until we got back on the bus to go home. I started yelling at our bus driver to change the radio station, because the song that was playing sucked. After getting shushed, as my date was passed out, I proceeded to break and armrest in the back of the bus. I thought it was pretty cool and was very excited about what was inside (there were gears and a bunch of other cool stuff) however, Joe's date was not. She yelled at me until I lost interest, so I turned to Tesi and his date (current girlfriend Amanda) and talked to them.

Amanda had kinda fallen asleep, so Tesi leaned back to me and started talking. The conversation went like this:

Tesi: I think I like Amanda dude.
Chris: Well why don't you fuckin' ask her out? (Again, said very loudly and drunkenly)
Tesi: Ok. (a minute later, whispered) I did it dude.
Chris: (practically screamed) What'd she say?!
Tesi: Well, uh, she said yes.
Chris: Congrat-u-fucking-lations.

Then I passed out.

Next thing I know we're back in Oxford. I actually forgot to say goodbye to my date (Still feel bad about that, sorry) and rushed to the Phi Psi house, at the end of their spring party, to go get Kellie. Keep in mind, I'm in a full tuxedo, and everyone else is just jeans and tshirts, sloppy drunk. I manage to get Kellie away from drunk guys, and walk her back to Martin. It's like 12 degrees outside. Ok, 45, but it felt like 12. Anyway, I let Kellie wear my tuxedo coat back, so I'm like an icicle at this point. She goes up into Martin, and I become depressed about the long walk back to Deaton Hell. I see a car pull up, and someone goes "Hey Chris!" It's Jill Waycaster, one of the sweetest people I know, coming back from Sigma Nu Woodstock. "Hey Jill, how are you? How was the party?" She said it was fine, she had fun, etc etc. At this point I thought, OH my God, I can get a ride. "Sure is cold out here Jill." "Yeah Chris, it sure is. Well, see you in Senate!"

Shit. She didn't pick up on the hint, and I wasn't just going to ask her, so I called Joe.
"Joe, can I sleep in Kincannon? Deaton is so far away, please?"
Joe said no. His roommates bed didn't have sheets, and his room was barely inhabitable, however he did agree to talk to me on my way back to Deaton. So I climb the four flights, still wearing cumberbund, and see literally 7 people asleep in my room. Floor, futon, Marc's bed, you name it. I was literally stepping over bodies as I made it to my bed. I manage to get changed while only stepping on one person, but they were passed out so they didn't notice. I pulled back the comforter on my bed, so ready to pass out, and yep, you guessed it. Girl asleep in my bed.

It was Ashley Guinn, a good friend of mine, who was a senior in high school at the time. She was passed out too, but somewhat incoherently offered to move to the floor. I told her no, just stay asleep, it'll be fine. By this time it 4 o'clock in the morning. I decide one last try, I go and pound on Mike's door. You guessed it, passed out. I kept pounding. And pounding. I think I even kicked it. Finally, Mike comes to the door. "What the hell do you want?" Blessedly, Nick was out of town, or I never would've done it in the first place. "Can I sleep here, my room is full?"

"Yeah, whatever, just don't make any noise." So finally, I got to fall asleep as the sun was coming up, and it was the best sleep ever. I didn't wake up until 3 the next afternoon, and since I left my keys and cell phone in my room, nobody could find me or disturb me while I was asleep. Thank God for comfortable floors.... -Chris

Keith Houston

While living in Deaton freshman year, we got to reside next to the freshman athletes. On our floor was the baseball team and on the second and third floor was the football team. For the most part everyone in Deaton was nice and when someone passed they would exchange kind words, I was no different. However, there was one football player whenever I passed and said "Hey" he always stared me down, and looked as if he wanted to hit me. The football player we later found out was Keith Houston. With the Spring semester coming to an end, I began to pack my car and had put pretty much all of my things into the trunck and back seat of my car. One day Chris and I went out for dinner, as usual we took his car. As we were entering the Deaton parking lot, I glanced over at my car and saw none other than Keith Houston sitting on my trunck. I asked Chris what I should do, I was scared this was the very guy that for no reason wanted to hit me. Chris told me to go get something out of my car, so I bravely walked over and asked him if I could get something out of my trunck. I opened my trunck and grabbed a dvd. I shut the trunck and he proceded to sit back down on my car. I had to think of something quick, so I told him I was gonna run to the store real quick, he said "oh". I got in my car and went and got gas, as I re-entered the Deaton parking lot, I saw a group of football players. In the middle was Keith Houston. He had moved and was sitting on the car next to mine, this time with about ten other football players around him, the very football players who always tried to steal my pizza whenever I would bring a pizza back into the dorm. I parked far far away and took the long route back into the dorm. After thinking about it for awhile, I realized Keith Houston did not want to hit me, thats just his facial expression, but still he probably is someone you do not want to run into in a dark alley. - Mike

First Frat Party

The Friday nite before the first football game of the 2002 season Joe, Nick and I decided to go to our first fraternity party at Ole Miss. We decided to go to the Pike house. We got there and went upstairs and found beer, we hung out in some actives room for awhile talking to people and drinking. Soon after that we were forced out of the house. In the confusion, we asked someone and they said someone tried to sneak into the Pike house and an active saw him so the active proceded to punch him in the face. Apparently the guy was hurt because an ambulance got called and UPD cleared everybody out of the house. We were walking back to the dorms when we ran into some Phi Psi's. They asked where we were going and we told them what just happened. They invited us over to their house to drink with them. We decided why not its free beer. So we went over to the Phi Psi house and the first thing Joe did when he got there was puke on their stage. I'm sure they didn't like that, but we were rushees so we could do no wrong. We hung out awhile and then they started to show us a tour of their house. While giving us the tour Joe asked our "tour guide" if and I quote "do you get a lot of head?" Our tour guide looked Joe straight in the face with this look like I can not believe you asked that, he said "I'm the house virgin." Joe simply said oh. Shortly after that we left because things were just kind of akward. The next morning Nick and I got ready for the football game, we called Joe and he said he was puking blood. Chris and I told him to come to Deaton and we would take care of him. Joe came over and sat down in the middle of Chris and Marc's room and drank water and ate crackers. After doing this for about an hour, we headed to the Grove. - Mike

Fruit-Ball

Back to freshman year.....
All of us being baseball players throughout high school (except Marc, he studied, and Joe, he's uncoordinated), we all brought our bats and gloves to college in case we ever needed them. We didn't. At least not for any conventional purposes. One day Marc went to the Union and found out that there were Mormons handing out religious tapes on the great powers of God, etc etc. He got one, we watched 5 minutes of it, and turned it off. We didn't know what to do with the tape then, and we certainly weren't going to return it, so several ideas surfaced.
"Let's throw it away."
"Let's give it to O'Barcus (they guy across the hall)"
"Let's hit it with the baseball bat and watch it explode" Bingo.

Outside of our floor there was a balcony with the trash chute (shoot) that overlooked some power lines and the back of our dorm. There was enough room for all of us to go out there, and I think there was even a bench for people to sit on. Well, we elected Joe to be the pitcher, and I was the hitter. There was no catcher for obvious reasons. Joe winds up and tosses the VHS tape underhanded, and the words of Joseph Smith exploded into thousands of tiny pieces. Naturally, we all thought this was pretty cool. So every day that week someone different out of the group would go to the Union, get two or three new tapes, and then hit them with the bat. Well, eventually the Mormons moved on, and the tapes went with them, so we had to upgrade. This is where Wal-Mart came in.

The one time in most of our lives that we went to the fruit and vegetable section of Wal-Mart was a fruitful (haha) one. We purchased grapefruits, kiwis, oranges, apples, and even a pineapple. Again, because he was the only one that would do it, we let Joe be the pitcher, and we all traded who got to hit. It was freakin' awesome. There were fruit parts all over the balcony for days. Joe was covered in fruit, but it was so funny that none of us cared. Well, maybe Joe did, but the rest of us certainly were entertained. Well, we started spending entirely too much money at Wal-mart on fruit just to hit with a baseball bat, plus the balcony was starting to stink. We made one last bulk purchase, but it was the week of the Ole Miss-Florida game. Well, it was starting to smell a little bit, so we decided that we would hit it after we lost the game. Well, needless to say, we didn't lose the game, which was a huge win for Ole Miss, and apparently the international students of Deaton Hall. We figured that's who took it, because we hid it underneath my car before the game, and when we went looking for it late that afternoon, it was totally gone. I still am not sure where that fruit went, and I honestly don't know who would steal moldy fruit from underneath someone's car. -Chris

Phi Mu - Beta Swap

During rush, all of us had a very difficult decision to make, where we would spend the next couple of years of our lives and who we would call brothers( in Marc, Chris, and my sake it would only be a year). Out of all of us I had stuggled the most with my decision. After much deliberation, I decided to go Beta, they seemed to be up and coming and also they had a swap in a week with the Phi Mu's. As a freshman, I didn't know much, but I did know the Phi Mu's are pretty hot. The nite of the swap I got ready and headed to the Beta house. At the Beta house, we hoppd onto the Rebel Ride and headed to Bodegas. When I arrived at Bodegas I realized it was the first intra-racial swap at Ole Miss. I do not recall the other fraternity or sorority. I do remember what happened next. As several Betas headed to the bar, and others headed to the dance floor, I did what I do best I looked lost. One of the actives soon grabbed me and told me to follow him. I did so. He bought me a coke and told me to drink some of it. I did as ordered. He then told me to follow him to the restroom, once again I followed. In the restroom he pulled out a fifth of Jack Daniels. He mixed my coke with Jack and told me to have a good time. I soon found fellow Betas just chatting, and I joined in as I drank my jack and coke. After awhile, I was out booze. I wanted more, I needed more. So I found the active again and he poured more jack daniels into my drink. He, however, was not aware that I did not have any coke left, so I was drinking straight jack. Despite the taste I drank my drink, after awhile one of the Betas realized I was drinking straight jack. He took that away from me and handed me a beer. By this point I am feeling quite nice and began dancing. After I finished my beer, I went and got another beer. Soon after I bought this beer, a Phi Mu approached me and we began talking. She asked if I would buy her a drink( normally I'm not stupid and I'm not gonna buy a girl I've been talking to for less than two minutes a drink, but I was intoxicated). I said sure, she was wearing an over 21 wristband so I gave her my money ($20) she asked if I wanted anything, I asked for a shot. She bought a mixed drink and bought me an Alabama Slammer. I took the shot and began drinking my beer. She introduced me to a couple of other Phi Mu's and then disappeared. I continued to drink and feel real good. With the swap winding down, I headed to the dance floor and began dancing with a Phi Mu. Soon after the swap ended, and I got back on the bus. I do not remember the bus ride at all. The next thing I remember is being let out of the bus at the Phi Mu house. I see all the girls head into the Phi Mu house and I figured that would be a good place to head also. As I approach the front door, a Beta screams at me that I am not allowed in the Phi Mu house. I change directions and head back to Deaton ( I'm still not sure how I found it). As I was climbing the stairs in Deaton, I was thinking to myself, I know Nick is gonna be in Chris and Marc's room. As I reached the fourth floor I knocked on our door twice and then headed straight to Chris and Marc's room. Their door was open like it always was and the second I stepped into that room, I fell right on the ground. They questioned me about the swap and if I had a good time. After that I apparently tried to jump out of the window that we so commonly threw stuff out of. After convincing me not to jump. I headed to bed. I have never been able to drink whiskey since that nite. -Mike

The Secret Window

"What do a desk chair, urine, giant bags of water, a fire extinguisher, shaving lotion, Wendy's take-out, and a microwave have in common?" one might ask.

The answer's simple...the same way the Sun got in, these things got out...THE WINDOW.

One of the most entertaining pasttimes of dorm life was using the window as a default trashchute (or trash "shoot" as the real one had been labelled). Any time you were too lazy to leave the room, or just tired of the trashcan overflowing because emptying it was absolutely out of the question, the window was always a worthy and justifiable alternative. I honestly cannot remember even a noticeable fraction of the items that left our dorm ship as jettison, but the ones mentioned above are certainly worth my time and yours to explain.

First, I'll start with Chris...despite his efforts to stay in the bed avoiding homework (and really, anything), when he did get up and get to his desk, one of his most enjoyable talents was to balance while leaning back on his five-legged, rolling, black leather, arm-rested desk chair. I distinctly remember it taking the bright both of us about two hours to build this damn thing from the terrible instructions, but it never occurred to me that one day this would all have been totally worth it. Well, I'm not sure if it was our terrible craftsmanship or just the amount of pressure that Chris was putting on the chair, but one day when he leaned back--SNAP--one of the legs just cracked and popped off. Duct tape was our first thought, so we tried it and it actually managed to hold. Eventually, though, this became useless, so Chris decided that he needed a new one. Instead of just leaving it in the hall, which we frequently did with other useless amenities, Chris decided to use the window. I didn't think it would fit...but by God anything fit through our window if we were determined enough to get it out...even Chris' penis.

Not that his penis was even relatively too large to fit out of the window, although he would definitely be a god had it been, it too shared in the excitement of having a window to the outside world. Let me remind those of you whom might have forgotten...our room was literally five steps across the hall from the restroom. But, this did not stop Chris from hovering over the window sill to urinate onto the solid earth below. Yea, it was pretty disgusting, but at least Physical Plant didn't have to use any Miracle Grow on the shrubbery.

Have you ever filled a zip-lock bag with water and tossed it out of a 4th story window? Well, if you think that's cool...try it with a freezer bag, then a 13-gallon trash bag, and then please just throw your entire 20-gallon trashcan full of water of the window. This one was so popular that our neighbors and some other welcomed participants joined in on the fun.

Another Nobel-worthy idea was to "borrow" the fire extinguisher that had been left in the basement. After spraying it in the hall, Joe got bored...to the window. It had to have looked like Hiroshima from the outside because that white/yellow powder just kept coming out. It settled all over the ground below and the wind carried a good bit of it back into our room. Even to this day I would bet anything that remnants of that BIG mistake are still stuck in the window sill and mortar. To be honest, I find it funny that despite the yellow, powderish residue that covered our hallway, we still never heard anything about it from the janitor or RHD...this was not the case for other incidents...

The Book Store was giving out free sample-sized bottles of Gillette shaving lotion, so the six of us combined probably had about 40 cans of the stuff lying around. We soon discovered that in its gel state, the stuff sprayed out in a fairly consistent stream, so we decided to write with it...on the building. We didn't have a ladder, and even if we had we still would have used the window, so with a bit of leaning it was really easy to spray penises and other obscenties on the brick below our window. What we didn't realize was that with a little bit of time, the stream of bluish-green gel becomes a broad, white layer of foam. Needlesstosay, our art was available for all to see. Now this one definitely earned us a notification, but as to whether or not that ever made it back to the Housing office, I couldn't tell you.

This next incident was entirely accidental, but definitely worth the laughs afterward. As usual, the trashcan was overflowing and probably had been for several days, so, when I finished my Wendy's (#7 Plain w/ Cheese on a regular bun with a sweet tea-no lemon) the window was, of course, my only available option. This time, it was mid-day and without looking I just tossed the bag (drink included) out the window. Try to imagine this...at the same time that my bag was floating down the side of the building at a slight angle toward the street, one of the girls who frequented the student-athletes was walking in front of the building (street side) from the opposite side. At the very moment that she emerged from the front of the building on my side, the Wendy's bag collided with her head. How did I know this...within three seconds of my tossing it out of the window, the loudest and angiest screaming that I have ever heard (in very very very poor English, mind you) emerged from her voice. Of course, I didn't go to the window other than to see her jumping around and screaming...but I did feel kind of bad when she mentioned, "I just had my her (hair) did."

This one would have been cooler had it hit the concrete instead of the dirt and bushes, but it was cool nonetheless. Our microwave would only heat one side of whatever was placed in it...so we threw it out of the window too... -Marc

The Custodial Engineer

Reasons to Get Acquainted with YOUR Janitor:
I hope that the other writers will edit this post and add to my list...

1) You will probably learn an entirely different form of the English language.

2) You can always count on your janitor to remove the plethora of penises, big and small, from your door and/or dry-erase board before you wake to find them...and then casually discuss the penises with him like its the weather.

3) If you get caught smoking a joint on the balcony...instead of using your ass as currency in jail, you might just lose a hit or two.

4) If you're so fucking lazy that not only do you use the Handicap shower to wash your trashcan because you don't want to make the effort to use trash bags, but you also forget to turn the shower off for sometimes up to 20 hours at least 3 times a week...your janitor might be as cool as ours was and return your trashcan with bags to boot--every single time.

-Marc

5) If he gets fired from your building for doing only a mediocre job cleaning it, despite the fact he was the only janitor for all four floors, he will come and ask you to start a petition because he likes working in your dorm so he can hang out with the football players.

6) He uses the message system at the door to make phone calls to his wife and kids, and just leans against the door and talks to them on speaker phone all day instead of doing acutal work.

7) He will let you use the maintenance elevator to move your futon out of your fourth floor room, and when he does, and you go to the basement to explore, he has carved his name with a knife into all of the basement walls.

8) He once told us that he was going to steal the guys next door's trash, because they always left it right outside the door for him to clean up. So we just told him their names anyway, cause they were assholes, and played loud music late at night. And then, even with their names, he just continues to pick up their trash.

-Chris

All Drains Lead to the Ocean

About two weeks before the Memphis Fair, we were talking about going to the fair and such. Chris got the idea, we should get some goldfish while at the fair. Sounded good to everyone else. Chris then had another idea, lets keep the fish in one of the toilets. Think about how funny it would be if you went to use the bathroom and there were goldfish swimming in the toilet. Anyways the Memphis Fair came and went and we did not get any goldfish, so it looked like our plan of keeping goldfish in the toilet was flushed( little joke there haha). One day while wandering in Wal Mart we discovered the pet section, and what do you know, Wal Mart carries goldfish. Any kind of goldfish you can imagine, well sort of. We checked the prices and realized we could get 5 or 6 goldfish for about 15 cents each. How could we turn that up, we couldn't and we didn't. Food was also cheap, only 88 cents. So for under $2 we had new pets. We got back to our dorm and then we realized, what are we actually going to do with these goldfish. My idea was to put them in a water bottle so we could carry them around and show them off to people. People walk with their dogs all the time in the Grove and get all kind of attention, imagine all the girls that would flock to us if we had goldfish in a water bottle. My friends did not see the same light that I apparently did. After much debate, the toilet was the most viable option. We could not keep them in the bag they were in, and with the water bottle idea out the window, it was the toilet or bust. Deaton Hall had automatic flushers so to correct this problem, so our little friends would not get flushed when we left, we put a piece of duct tape over the sensor. We then proceded to place our fish in the toilet. They actually seemed to like it. I sprinkled some food for them and we put a note on the toilet door, it read "Don't piss live fish." A couple of hours later we checked on them and they were still doing fine. That nite, Chris must have started feeling bad because he said that he thought we shouldn't keep fish in the toilet. He got up and marched to the bathroom and said he was going to take the tape off the automatic flushers. Nick and I followed and right after he riped the piece of tape off Nick put his hand to cover the sensor so our fish would not be killed. I was going to get another piece of tape when Chris pushed Nick causing Nick's hand to move from the sensor. Next thing we know, we hear the click. You know the click from automatic toilets when its gonna flush. And there right before our very eyes, our goldfish got sucked down the toilet. Nick, Joe, Marc, and I could not believe Chris had done it, but he had. Our pets were dead. Ever since then I have felt bad about the fish, that is until we saw Finding Nemo. The fish in that movie seemed pretty intelligent and the line "all drains lead to the ocean" was used quite a few times. So I figured that maybe our pets are still alive swimming in the Atlantic Ocean or heck maybe even Sardis Lake. - Mike

Student-Athletes

Back to sophomore year. I'm by myself in my room, attempting to clean up. Marc is off somewhere, probly at a lab, and Mike and I had just gotten back from playing basketball. I had gone to McAllister's that day, and had a big iced tea that all of the ice had melted in. Well, the bathroom was all the way down the hall, so I got the bright idea to just throw it out my window. Keep in mind that our room sophomore year did not face the side of the building like it did freshman year. It was the window facing directly out front. Anyway, the iced tea and cup go hurtling through the window, and the next thing I hear is " Hey, that almost hit me!" followed by "Who the fuck threw that?" At that point I realized I may have just signed my death warrant. Here's why.

Deaton hall is filled with some of our finer and larger student athletes, those being the members of the Ole Miss football team. They liked to hang out in front of the dorm smoking Swisher Sweets and playing loud music. Obviously this somehow slipped my mind that day, so I went into panic mode. Here was my train of thought. "Ok, first shut and lock the door. Done. Now, I'm going to uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, turn off all of the lights and take my shirt off. " Not kidding. I was going to tell them I was sick and had been throwing up all day, and couldn't make it down the hall to the bathroom to empty the cup. Yeah I know, but it was the best I could do on the spot.

Next thing I know, there's loud pounding at my door. And I mean loud pounding. And screaming. Unintelligible yet extremely theatening screaming. So I call Mike and explain the story.

Chris: So now there's a bunch of football players outside beating down my door, what do I do?
Mike: I'll come down and buy a drink in the kitchen and see whats going on.
Silence. More silence. Aching aching silence.
Mike: Dude, you're in trouble!
Chris: How many are there, like 4 or 5?
Mike: Try 15.

So that's the point at which I seriously contemplated jumping out my window. I figured I was going to die anyway, might as well make it on my own terms. I'm in a panic, and its interrupted by the worst words I have ever heard in my life. "Ive got his key!" Oh shit does not do the feeling that overwhelmed me justice. Next thing I know, key is in the door, and sure enough, 15 of Ole Miss' finest, not looking to thrilled with the white kid on the third floor.

"Why the fuck did you throw that?"
"I'm really sick and I couldn't make it to the bathroom, I've been throwing up all day, etc etc etc" All said really, really fast. The next thing I heard I will never forget for the rest of my life. Some guy in the back goes "Man, that white boy's scared!"

I looked right at him, stood up to my fullest height, and said with all of the strength I could muster. "You're damn right I am."

Apparently this was enough to ease the tension, and after numerous apologies and assurances it would never happen again, they finally left, all laughing. I wasn't laughing. I wasn't even smiling. Shaking would be more accurate. I called Mike, told him what happened (he laughed too. Me, I'm still not laughing as I'm typing this and i was over a year ago), and decided that I would spend the rest of the day in his room. -Chris

Step Show

Towards the end of freshman year, everyone was slowing finding their place, and becoming more comfortable with each other. If you know me, you know I'm comfortable with anyone when I have some liquid courage. That Friday nite we decided to attend the Step Show. I got the brillant idea earlier to use the gatorade in our fridge to mix with vodka, I did so and what do you know, you could hardly taste the alcohol. We get to the step show and I was feeling pretty good already. I was almost done with my beverage when it was taken from me because they felt I had enough. I, of course, disagreed. Meanwhile I noticed Gordon Fellows, current ASB president and fellow Biology student of mine that semester. I began talking to Gordon, just basic chit chat, I asked him how he was doing, he said fine, Gordon asked me the same question I responded with the same answer. There was that brief moment of silence and I guess I got scared because I repeated so how are you doing, he once again responded I'm fine. He kinda smiled at me and walked away. I did not realize I had asked him the same question twice until the next day. I do not know if he remembers this but I sure do. Anyways, after the step show was over we went back to Deaton, for me to continue drinking and for everyone else to get started. I made myself another drink and was quite intoxicated. I decided to rest so I put my head down on Chris' desk. On his desk I noticed a new unopend bottle of Jim Beam Black, I said "Chris I'm gonna open your Jim Beam." He responded "If you open it you better drink some of it." So I opened the bottle and started drinking the Jim Beam. I apparently drank quite a bit because everyone was in awe that I actually drank it straight, funny thing is I did not taste the whiskey at all. At about this point, about 9 pm, I decided I had enough for one nite. I headed to my room and fell on my bed and passed out. The next day I woke up at about 11. I went to use the restroom and there was a girl in the hall, I said hey how are you. She gave me one of the most awful looks any human has ever given me, I shrugged it off went to the bathroom and went back to sleep. Later in the day when I saw Chris he said "Oh I see you got the penis off your face." Apparently Chris had drawn a penis on my face hence the terrible reaction from the girl. - Mike

The Owl

Being the short, brown-haired, glasses-wearing guy that I am, Harry Potter became a nickname that has followed me since the movie hit the big screen. As a result, when the fraternities hosted a Halloween Carnival for the Oxford youth, I was convinced under the relentless strain of peer pressure that we all became so very fluent with in our high school days to dress up as the one and only Harry Potter for the kids. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a black cape and a fake owl and headed back to the dorm to pull everything together. In the end, my costume consisted of khaki pants, a white button-down, a prep tie, a v-neck sweater, a wand, and, of course, the fake owl from Wal-Mart (which I strapped to my shoulder). Everyone thought it looked great, and I even won $20 in a costume contest. But this isn't even the real story...

When I got back to the dorm, I really didn't know what to do with the costume. I was never going to wear it again, but I didn't want to throw it all away...especially not the owl. So, I put the cape in a drawer and taped the owl to the stereo speaker on the shelf that was hanging over our (Chris' and mine) desks. That owl probably saw more air going out of my 4th floor window than a live owl did over its entire lifetime. Chris, Mike, Joe, Michael, Nick...hell, anyone who noticed the thing was inspired to toss it out the window. This became such a frequent event that I began to notice that immediately after reaching in to turn on the light, the first thing that I did when I entered my room was to check on the owl. If it was missing...I knew that I would get my exercise for the day by walking down the stairs to retrieve it and then back up to place it on the speaker. This would all be in vain...

I wasn't totally immune to the destructive tendency, though, so I sympathized with the guys in their uncontrollable urge to damage the owl (and to piss me off, I'm sure). One day I was bored, so I decided to cut a slit in the owl's chest and create a little door-like flap, in which I suppose you could place things if you were still in your elementary school "hide and seek" phase. I gave them too much credit...

Days had gone by since the owl was disturbed and I began to think that maybe the guys had gotten sick of the same old prank, so I too began to slowly stop making it a point to check the owl. After a few weeks, Chris and I began to notice a horrible smell that would not go away, despite any cleaning and/or sanitation efforts. It could have been one or several of many things that had gone wrong in our dorm room over the course of the year. Maybe my feather mattress was rotting after Joe had the bright idea of turning my bed into an ocean (iodized salt + bottles of mineral water) to give me a "vacation." Thoughtful, Joe, but wet feathers sucked. Or maybe it was the combination of beer, champagne, and an entire jar of strawberry jelly that had turned into the cement holding our carpet together. There really was no telling what was going on until...

On a whim, a few weeks down the road, I noticed the owl again. It had been a long time, so I decided to throw it around a bit...that is, until I noticed the horrible aroma that seemed to follow its path. To my surprise (but not really), when I opened the flap that I had cut into it's chest, a green and blue mold jumped out at me like a furry monster that had been locked in a closet for millions of years just waiting to kill whoever entered. It was unmistakenly the product of milk, American cheese, and yogurt (or whatever other dairy products they decided to add to the cocktail) that had spent weeks developing in the hot, humid dorm room. They had won...they knew that I would never let them get rid of the owl...so they decided to give the task to me...

I threw that fucking thing so far out the window...I hope Toles didn't find it.

-Marc

First Weekend As A College Student

I think the best way to start this blog is by starting from the beginning of our time here. After move in when all our parents had left, we headed to the grove for a free concert and socialize, we discovered that everyone was going to the bar Bodega aka the dega. We went to the dega and stayed there for maybe 10 minutes, mind you we still paid a cover. Nick was driving and Joe wanted beer. Since we did not know anyone 21 to buy us beer we decide to go to Chicken on a Stick and wait to find someone to buy us beer. Joe found this guy who agreed us to buy us a case of beer as long as we bought him some cigarettes, we agreed. The guy went in to buy us beer, I followed him to use the restroom. When I came back to the car, I was sitting in shotgun, there was someone else in my seat. His name was Tyrone, and he was wasted. I apparently had left the door ajar and Tyrone opened the door and decided to sit down. I looked at Nick, Chris, and Joe and they had no idea what was going on. I do not remember exactly what Tyrone said but I do remember him saying "man I gotta pee so bad, I just might go in your car." Nick's face lit up and we somehow got Tyrone out of the car. About this time, the guy came back with our beer and we ended up just heading back to our dorm. - Mike

Gone Swimmin'

So its sophomore year, and its time to mess with Marc once again. It's what we do best. Mike and Joe and I go to Wal-Mart and buy a pink, maybe 5 feet wide kiddie swimming pool. We decide we're going to fill it up with water, and just be lounging in it when Marc gets back from class. We get out Mike's video camera to catch the reaction, and got to work. Mike and Joe went and changed into their swimsuits, and we got our trashcan and started filling it with water from the shower down the hall. We filled it up pretty full, maybe 15 or 20 gallons of water total. We passed lots of football players in the hall, who just kinda stared at us, and we invited them to join us. They declined. So the pool gets filled up, and Mike and Joe get in, Marc is supposed to be out of class in 20 minutes. So we wait. And wait. And wait. 45 minutes goes by. Joe comments on how cold the water is getting. I finally decided to call Marc and see where the hell he was. He tells me he's on his way back, so we turn on the camera. Marc is on the phone when he walks in, sees Mike and Joe in the pool, his mouth kinda falls open, and just turns and leaves. Not the reaction we were hoping for, but still funny. So Mike and Joe get out, dry off, and now there's a pool with water in it just sitting in our room. Obviously we're not that great at thinking ahead. Anyway, the pool is too wide to get through the door, so we tell Marc that he has to bail the water out, or its just going to stay there. We sit there and proceed to watch Marc bail all of the water back into the trashcan. Again, we just sat there, while we watched Marc bail all of the water back into the trashcan. So now we have a trashcan full of water. Again with the complete lack of forethought. We sit around and debate what to do with this water, and the best idea is to make a waterfall by pouring it down the emergency exit. (Hey, it hadn't been swept in awhile, we were only doin our part.) We also thought it would be a good idea if we poured it down the emergency exit on the other side of the hall, so they wouldn't know who did it. Right. So we pour a 20 gallon trashcan full of water down the stairs, and it looks cool. It looks very cool. Then, once again, we think "Oh hell, what if we get caught?" Well, we didn't which was lucky, because it definitly flooded the entire emergency stairwell, and leaked into the basement. Hotty Toddy. -Chris